At time of writing I actually just got home from a festival to pick up these things because I am male and therefore don’t think further than a couple of hours ahead. So this could not get any more real or authentic (so real I had to use two synonyms to describe the amount of realness… for real)
I had been absent from the Roskilde festival for three years and this was extremely evident in my preparation. I forgot all of the following upon my initial packing session. Disclaimer: I’m not going to include stuff like “clothes that fit the climate” or “One set of underwear for each day” because I’m assuming you’re an adult and should be able to choose exactly just how often you chose to change your undies. So without further ado; bring the following:
This is huge. Most port-o-potties don’t have soap and the chances are you’ll be drinking heavily, and therefore touching your filthy genitals dozens of times a day when relieving yourself. Disregard this one only if you’re a big fan of pink eye.
Ski underwear is a lifesaver on that one night when you’re not too drunk to sense anything. Pus if you’re fortunate enough to not live above the Arctic Circle like myself, ski underwear can also double as a scent concealer, keeping patches of sweat and other bodily fluids at bay. And don’t worry about the awkward moment when you get lucky and the chosen one sees you’ve been sporting an under armour to suppress sweat, keep warm or just to get that tight and firm look, because when entering your tent he/she has signed an unsigned festival agreement to follow through on his/her previous intentions.
Food that doesn’t make you poop.
For me this means staying away from oils and fats. There are different schools of thought when it comes to the science of bowel movement frequency. Most people say eat plenty of fibre if you can’t go. The opposite applies to me, so I eat plenty of fruit and veg to slow down my inner poop clock. Do whatever seems to work for you.
I like to save up all week and have a celebratory poop fest when I get home and can enjoy scented candles, furry toilet seats and double-layered TP. This is usually commenced by a ceremonial trip to my local Kebab shack – called Durum, Kabob or Döner depending on your location. The key is being super generous with the chilli oil. Remember to take your kebab(s) home with you though. You want to be in a somewhat safe vicinity of your porcelain castle.
Whatever meds you’re on, bring ‘em. Whichever illness you’re suffering from it’s going to be amplified tenfold on a field of bacteria, so bring plenty. In my case it’s hay fever, so as to avoid sneezing out my eyeballs and crying blood and pus all day I come prepared.
Duct tape (gaffa)
Duct tape is the Flubber of household tackle. It doubles as clothing, weaponry, contraception, and entertainment. Duct tape can out-Swiss army knife any Swiss army knife. Actually, bring a Swiss army knife as well.
So now you’re all set to invade your festival of choice. I’ll be sharing the madness live whenever possible from Roskilde at Positive Mag’s
Instagram and Twitter at @positive_mag. Stay classy and stay tuned for more festival goodness.